Revival

It's been 13 years since the last time I blogged. I may be dating myself here a bit, but I miss it. I miss just writing, to be honest. Was I ever a good writer? No. But it was therapeutic, and that is what I miss. Perhaps in my older age my future posts could be more focused, but really I'm doing this for my mental health, and I think journalling was a helpful tool that I want to bring back to my arsenal.

These sentences are for no one, but me, but if you've somehow stumbled here, cool. 

I have felt anxiety and depression start to creep in again. I say start, but it's always been there. I am fully aware that I do not express these feelings to anyone, and I never really have. Perhaps there are a few people I feel comfortable opening up to, but usually different people I allow to see different angles of my inner most thoughts. I recently had a tarot reading and she told me that out of everyone I surround myself with, there is no one who truly knows me, and all I want is to be understood. This statement is absolutely true. 

I don't think I am scared to bring people in and allow them to know me, but I also am not gonna push my thoughts and ideas on people either. I am an observer and I learn about people by observing them and interacting with them. if I consider you a friend, likely I've seen patterns of things in you that have left an impression on me that feels good.  Your presence in my life is positive, and who doesn't want more positivity in their lives? Good conversation, thought provoking ideas, kindness, love and laughter, that's what attracts me to the people I have in my life.

I still do wonder, even though I have these people in my life that I am lucky enough to call family and friends, do they really know me? Do they understand me? Do they like me, as much as I like them? I haven't had a hard life (I don't think), but when times get tough, I know I'll be there for them, will they be there for me? I like to hope so. Some have been more then others, and maybe I can forgive the others, because, maybe I didn't let them in enough for them to even know I was going through something.

A repeating theme in my thoughts is me questioning myself. Downplaying my accomplishments, my experience. I have learned a lot, accomplished a lot, worked hard, and I am so grateful. Almost to the point where I think I don't deserve it. I keep having to tell myself I do, because I did it, no one else did.